First Love by Adele
Please Wear The Face, The One Where You Smile…
Sorry this blog might seem depressing, I’m actually a positive person, or I try to be. Here lies my confessions. One of them being, this song still makes me sad :/ Can’t expect me to be up all the time, this is a just a healthy way to get it out.
However. If any of you ever need someone to talk to, you can message me. Not because I’m curious. But because you shouldn’t go through whatever you’re going through alone. I know what it’s like. Don’t worry about it being insignificant to everyone else, because it is important to you, and that’s what matters. <33
(Source: beware-of-the-plastics)
Folie a’deaux- Madness shared by two
Sister compared me to the Hulk the other day. “Except you don’t turn huge and green.”
I’ve been going through an unusual amount of angry episodes recently. It’s funny how my psychiatrist suggested I wean off or cut down on the anti-psychotics, (which i stay on by choice) so i have gone back from taking 2 to 3 a day because of these episodes. It’s definitely not “regular” because I’m blowing up over the most insignificant shit. I hate that.
In other news, my ex is very possibly schizophrenic. Which would explain a lot of things actually. Delusions and his whole perception. Even though we were best friends, in all the twisted business we understood each other like no one else ever could.
Right now I don’t think I’m heartbroken atleast not in a way mourning the end of a break up. It’s not teenage bullshit “oh he just broke up with me” tearsss. It’s more… piecing together all that pain even though i don’t feel it like i used to. And I have actually come a little ways than where I was in December… whereas, Axell has worsened. Delusions, selling/abusing prescription drugs. A few suicide attempts. He’s on his 4th//5th stay in a psychward. When i spoke to him previous times while he was in there, he confessed holding important things back from people who could have helped. Dammit why didn’t you tell them?? It’s okay. It will all be okay, just push…
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I’m so excited! We have been inside all day and Diablo invited Axell and me to a party(: it’s a lot of people from his older sister’s high school, but at least we get to leave the house!
****something happens from a little before we leave the house, and by the time we arrive to the party. I can’t remember the arguement but I think it had to do with Axell’s substance intake****
I reach for his hand and he jerks away. Ouch.. I don’t understand why he stays angry. “Why won’t you hold my hand?” I try to ask him where it’s not a big deal, but I mean his gestures not only hurt, but it’s so obvious to anyone looking that I’m an annoying bitch.
I am seriously trying not to cry. To stay calm. But I can’t help crying so I do. I honestly cry way too much.
“Why don’t you go cry in a corner somewhere?” He squints his face in disgust at me and walks off. I look down and then towards Diablo who says he doesn’t know why Axell is being like this. He sneaks me a cigarette, I’m so fucking stressed out and it used to help keep me dizzy and chill. Notice he has to sneak it to me, well because I’m pregnant and Axell doesn’t approve. I don’t either, but my mom smoked her WHOLE pregnancies. Just one couldn’t really hurt, right? That’s what I tell myself. I can’t afford to freak out with this little thing in there.. a person. This moment is too much.
Axell heads over surely to speak to Diablo, asks what I’m doing. Immediately pissed he takes it away. What the fuck, I’m really stressed and you could calm down and be nice to me. Not asking for much.
You asshole. I’m still upset, PLUS angry. Oh, now there’s a cup in your hand. You promised you wouldn’t drink that much! You’ve already had 4 jello shots, and it totally shows.
I knock it out of his hand. More altercation. Everyone around us is jolly as can be, damn I would love to be one of them right now. Soon enough, ‘trying to talk about it’ under the limited privacy of hanging tree branches turns into me shoving him, and him choking me. Diablo was the only witness.
Before we know it, I push my way through a small crowd of teenagers to discover Axell about to hit a mutherfucking blunt. I’ll be damned if you do, slapped that bitch outta his hand, slapped him in the face. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck you all he’s what I care about. This tiny being in my belly, is ours. Why would you wanna do drugs if we’re about to have a baby?! Stop leaving me alone! You make promises you never keep! I’ll do everything for you, don’t you see..
On the way out of the backyard, Axell accidently knocks over a grill. Some skyscraping Mexican dude steps up to him and since I was following, cut in between. “He didn’t mean to do it, back off!” Everyone is an asshole. Me too.
Tonight is tears and uncontrollable anger. Tonight is unsuccessfully controlling each other, two selfish people. Tonight is chasing after someone- and soon enough I’ll discover that much of my time will be devoted to chasing this someone who’s supposed to be with me.
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It’s a relief not to be sucked into a thought process such as that anymore. It was bad. But it’s the truth. Sometimes not even I can believe that those people were us
You know what pisses me off today though?? that Diablo saw the whole physical BS under the tree and remembers me pushing Axell, but not him choking me. Not that one is worse than the other because we were both completely, utterly wrong. Whatevs.
“I’ll call you bitch for short,
as a last resort and my first resort.
You call me mutherfucker for long.
at the end of it, you know we both were wrong
But I like to play the Blame Game,
I love you….” John Legend
Hurt is harboured in my heart; and my heart heals everyday.
and that’s okay
The Only Way I Can Talk About It
Drugged in my own hate
Maybe I’m a little over stimulated
In the mirror I sob and fade
A void that nothing can fulfill,
Pouring down esophagus hill,
Sedative tonic, slightly ironic, the cynics call it,
Cigarettes kiss the skin, a frantic win
While Nobody lashes the belt on my back,
Drowning in the wrong assistance
I say no, and he is persistent
Dripping in detestation, worthless destination.
Shame regurgitating from this throat
That was not my face anymore
We wonder why I can’t stop crying
In confusion I believed it was love
Only when it’s too late I realize I was taken advantage of
So orginally this blog was for secrets and all my self hatred and awful thoughts.
All the pain, the panic, confusion, loathing. Just a few months ago, I was harming myself in anyway I could. People used to call me crazy, psycho.
Well here I am (: ALIVE! Happy, stable. and inspired.
This blog is now going to be used for as an account of someone who had a disorder(didn’t know it before), someone who struggled, someone that discovered abuse with another.
Not even so you can understand me, but for you to understand that someone out there understands you even when you think you’re alone.
I have no name, but this is my(her) verse.
The date makes her sick, Life lays on heavy, thick
emotions aren’t contained, how do she still maintain, so hard to refrain
Just can’t stay away, she holds the blame, like the blunt in front of his face,
together we fade into flames, loving in the rain, Shame, she’s someone else’s
Knockoff girl, offbrand and real, show you how i feel, i see your guard up now, shields
Love starved, you know hatred carves, instead of bullshitting lust lard, you emulate loving hard,
There will be no worries in a couple days, when you’re celebrating life, probably gettin laid, Whore will be a ghost by May,
Damn i can’t believe how everything is already changed, what i want aint even the same, Division is our name, girl what happened to your faith? Blowing off life, ain’t how to do it, she cared so much, now its like i fooled her, Destruction is the new ruler, i don’t give a fuck anymore, i be rollin in the waves, fucked on an exo, giving all my x’s and o’s, extraed out, feelin up while im low, thinkin i got the wrong beau,
think you got me fallin, somewhere sanity is callin, but i already lost it, im pouring this shit out like a faucet, i can’t be honest with anyone completely, ill just trip too hard if yall leave me,
so go ahead do what yal do, blaze up, all i know is one of these days i won’t be here when you wake up
Dying floods my mind everyday lately
I heard that right before you die every negative feeling is let go and you are truly happy.
Cords, cuts, belts
I am bonded to this world, the people keep me here, even as I peer over the bridge and fantasize falling into the rushing lights below. They come and go in dazzling pairs, traveling the blackness of the highway; It seems like the lights wander infinitely, and I desire to get lost, to flit as a light forever. However in reality it saddens me to know that the lights indeed are whispering vessels, each containing different people. I wonder where you go, what is home like? Do you know love? Are you a mother, a father, lover, fighter, sister, brother? Maybe we’ve met before. At the store, perhaps school? Could we be friends? Of course not. Just tell that crazy bitch to get off the damn hood. Little lady done jumped off the bridge.
There is some shadiness about the light she yearns to be. I only want a pair of wings.
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